LIBRARY 

uNivtMiry  9F 

CAVlTttRNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


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vr 


z. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS  COMPANY 


PHILADELPHIA 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

As   related  by   Mr.    Michael    Ileffernan,    Master   of 

the    National    School    at    Tallymactaggart,     in 

the  County  Leitrim,  to  a  friend,  during  his 

official  visit  to  Dublin  for  the  purpose 

of  studying  political   economy,    in 

the  spring  of  1838. 


HOW     FATHER      TOM      WENT     TO      TAKE 
POT-LUCK   AT    THE    VATICAN 

"^X^HEN  his  Riv'rence  was  in 
Room,  ov  coorse  the  Pope 
axed  him  to  take  pot-look  wid  him. 
More  be  token,  it  was  on  a  Friday; 
but,  for  all  that,  there  was  plenty  of 
mate;  for  the  Pope  gev  himself  an 
absolution  from  the  fast  on  account 
of  the  great  company  that  was  in  it, — 
3 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

at  laste  so  I  'm  tould.  Ilowandiver, 
there  's  no  fast  on  the  dhrink,  any- 
how,— glory  be  to  God! — and  so,  as 
they  wor  sitting,  afther  dinner,  taking 
their  sup  together,  says  the  Pope,  says 
he,  "Thomaus,"  for  the  Pope,  you 
know,  spakes  that  away,  and  all  as  one 
ov  uz, — ''Thomaus  a  lanna/'  says  he, 
'T  'm  tould  you  welt  them  English 
heretics  out  ov  the  face. ' ' 

"You  may  say  that,"  says  his  Riv'- 
rence  to  him  again.  "Be  my  soul," 
says  he,  "if  I  put  your  Holiness 
undher  the  table,  you  won't  be  the 
first  Pope  I  floored." 

Well,  his  Holiness  laughed  like  to 
split;  for  you  know.  Pope  was  the 
great  Prodesan  that  Father  Tom  put 
4 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pooe 

down  upon  Purgathory ;  and  ov  coorse 
they  knew  all  the  ins  and  outs  of 
the  conthravarsy  at  Room.  '*Faix, 
Thomaus, ' '  says  he,  smiling  across  the 
table  at  him  mighty  agreeable, — ' '  it  's 
no  lie  what  they  tell  me,  that  yourself 
is  the  pleasant  man  oyer  the  dhrop  ov 
good  liquor." 

''Would  you  like  to  thry?"  says 
his  Riv'rence. 

''Sure,  and  am  n't  I  thrying  all  I 
can  ? ' '  says  the  Pope.  ' '  Sorra  betther 
bottle  ov  wine  's  betuxt  this  and  Sala- 
manca, nor  there  's  fornenst  you  on 
the  table ;  it  's  raal  Lachrymachrystal, 
every  spudh  ov  it." 

"It  's  mortial  could,"  says  Father 
Tom. 

5 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

''Well,  man  alive,"  says  the  Pope, 
"sure,  and  here  's  the  best  ov  good 
claret  in  the  cut  decanther. " 

"Not  maining  to  make  little  ov 
the  claret,  your  Holiness,"  says 
his  Riv'renee,  "I  would  prefir 
some  hot  wather  and  sugar,  wid 
a  glass  ov  spirits  through  it,  if 
convanient. ' ' 

"Hand  me  over  the  bottle  of 
brandy,"  says  the  Pope  to  his  head 
butler,  "and  fetch  up  the  materi'ls," 
says  he. 

' '  Ah,  then,  your  Holiness, ' '  says  his 
Riv'renee,  mighty  eager,  "maybe 
you  'd  have  a  dhrop  ov  the  native  in 
your  cellar?  Sure,  it  's  all  one 
throuble,"  says  he,  "and,  troth,  I 
6 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

dunna  how  it  is,  but  brandy  always 
plays  the  puck  wid  my  inthrails. " 

**  'Pon  my  conscience,  then,"  says 
the  Pope,  "it  's  very  sorry  I  am, 
Misther  ]\Iaguire,"  says  he,  ''that  it 
is  n  't  in  my  power  to  plase  yon ;  for 
I  'm  snre  and  certaint  that  there 's  not 
as  much  whiskey  in  Room  this  blessed 
minit  as  'ud  blind  the  eye  ov  a  midge. " 

''Well,  in  troth,  your  Holiness," 
says  Father  Tom,  ' '  I  knewn  there  was 
no  use  in  axing;  only,"  says  he,  "I 
did  n't  know  how  else  to  exqueeze  the 
liberty  I  tuck, ' '  says  he,  ' '  of  bringing 
a  small  taste,"  says  he,  "of  the  raal 
stuff, ' '  says  he,  hauling  out  an  imperi  '1 
quart  bottle  out  ov  his  coat-pocket; 
"that  never  seen  the  face  ov  a 
7 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

ganger,"  says  he,  setting  it  down  on 
the  table  fornenst  the  Pope;  ''and  if 
you  '11  jist  thry  the  full  ov  a  .thimble 
ov  it,  and  it  does  n't  rise  the  cockles 
ov  your  Holiness 's  heart,  why  then, 
my  name,"  says  he,  "is  n't  Tom 
Maguire ! ' '  and  with  that  he  onts  wid 
the  cork. 

Well,  the  Pope  at  first  was  going  to 
get  vexed  at  Father  Tom  for  fetching 
dhrink  thataway  in  his  pocket,  as  if 
there  was  n  't  lashins  in  the  house :  so 
says  he,  ''Misther  Maguire,"  says  he, 
"I'd  have  you  to  comprehind  the 
differ  betuxt  an  inwitation  to  dinner 
from  the  succissor  of  Saint  Pether, 
and  from  a  common  nagur  of  a 
Prodesan  squirean  that  maybe  has  n  't 
8 


Father  Tom  and   the  Pope 

liquor  enough  in  his  cupboard  to  wet 
more  nor  his  own  heretical  whistle. 
That  may  be  the  way  wid  them  that 
you  wisit  in  Leithrim, ' '  says  he,  ' '  and 
in  Roscommon ;  and  I  'd  let  you  know 
the  differ  in  the  prisint  case,"  says 
he,  ''only  that  you  're  a  champion  ov 
the  Church  and  entitled  to  laniency. 
So,"  says  he,  ''as  the  liquor  's  come, 
let  it  sta}^  And,  in  troth,  I  'm  curl's 
myself,"  says  he,  getting  mighty  soft 
when  he  found  the  delightful  smell  ov 
the  putteen,  "in  inwestigating  the 
composition  ov  distilled  liquors ;  it  's 
a  branch  ov  natural  philosophy, ' '  says 
he,  taking  up  the  bottle  and  putting 
it  to  his  blessed  nose. 

Ah!  my  dear,  the  very  first  snuff 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

he  got  qv  it,  he  cried  out,  the  dear 
man,  "Blessed  Vargin,  but  it  has  the 
divine  smell!"  and  crossed  himself 
and  the  bottle  half  a  dozen  times  run- 
ning. 

' '  Well,  sure  enough,  it  's  the  blessed 
liquor  now, ' '  says  his  Eiv  'rence,  ' '  and 
so  there  can  be  no  harm  any  way  in 
mixing  a  dandy  of  punch ;  and, ' '  says 
he,  stirring  up  the  materi'ls  wid  his 
goolden  meeddlar, — for  everything  at 
the  Pope's  table,  to  the  very  shcrew 
for  drawing  the  corks,  was  ov  vergin 
goold, — ''if  I  might  make  boold," 
says  he,  "to  spake  on  so  deep  a  subjic 
afore  your  Holiness,  I  think  it  'ud 
eonsidherably  whacilitate  the  inwesti- 
gation  ov  its  chemisthry  and  phwar- 
10 


Father  Tom  and   the   Pope 

maceutics,  if  you  VI  jist  tliry  the  laste 
sup  in  life  ov  it  inwardly." 

''Well,  then,  suppose  I  do  make  the 
same  expiriment,"  says  the  Pope,  in 
a  much  more  condescinding  way  nor 
you  'd  have  expected, — and  wid  that 
he  mixes  himself  a  real  stiff  facer. 

' '  Now,  your  Holiness, ' '  says  Father 
Tom,  "this  bein'  the  first  time  you 
ever  dispinsed  them  chymicals, "  says 
he,  "I  '11  jist  make  bould  to  lay  doun 
one  rule  ov  orthography,"  says  he 
"for  conwhounding  them,  secundum 
mortem/' 

"What  's  that?"  says  the  Pope. 

"Put  in  the  sperits  first,"  says  his 
Riv'rence;  "and  then  put  in  th*e 
sugar,  and  remember,  every  dhrop  ov 
11 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

wather  you  put  in  after  that,  spoils 
the  punch." 

' '  Glory  be  to  God ! ' '  says  the  Pope, 
not  minding  a  word  Father  Tom  was 
saying.  ' '  Glory  be  to  God ! ' '  says  he, 
smacking  his  lips.  "1  never  kncAvn 
what  dhrink  was  afore,"  says  he. 
*Tt  bates  the  Lachrymachrj^stal  out 
ov  the  face ! ' '  says  he, — ' '  it  's  Necthar 
itself,  it  is,  so  it  is ! "  says  he,  wiping 
his  epistolical  mouth  wid  the  cuff  ov 
his  coat. 

''  'Pon  my  secret  honor,"  saj's  his 
Riv'rence,  'T  'm  raally  glad  to  see 
your  Holiness  set  so  much  to  your 
satiswhaction ;  especially,"  says  he, 
''as,  for  fear  ov  accidents,  I  tuck  the 
liberty  of  fetching  the  fellow  ov  that 

1!2 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

small  vesshel, ' '  says  he,  ' '  in  my  other 
coat-pocket.  So  devil  a  fear  of  our 
running  dhry  till  the  but-end  of  the 
evening,  anyhow,"  says  he. 

"Dhraw  your  stool  into  the  fire, 
Misther  Maguire,"  says  the  Pope, 
*'for  faix,"  says  he,  'T  'm  bent  on 
anilizing  the  metaphwysics  ov  this 
phinomenon.  Come,  man  alive,  clear 
off,"  says  he,  ^'you  're  not  dhrinking 
at  all." 

' '  Is  it  dhrink ! ' '  says  his  Riv  'rence ; 
''by  Gorra,  your  Holiness,"  says  he, 
'  T  'd  dhrink  wid  you  till  the  cows  'ud 
be  coming  home  in  the  morning." 

So  Avid  that  they  tackled  to,  to  the 
second  fugil  apiece,  and  fell  into  a 
lamed  discourse. 

13 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

But  it  's  time  for  me  now  to  be  off  to 
the  lecthir  at  the  Boord.  Oh,  my  sorra 
light  upon  you,  Docther  Whately, 
wid  your  plitical  econimy  and  your 
hydherastatics !  "What  the  divul  use 
has  a  poor  hedge-masther  like  me  wid 
sich  deep  larning  as  is  only  fit  for  the 
likes  ov  them  two  I  left  over  their 
second  tumbler?  Howandiver,  wish- 
ing I  was  like  them,  in  regard  ov  the 
sup  ov  dhrink,  anyhow,  I  must  brake 
off  my  norration  for  the  prisint ;  but 
when  I  see  you  again,  I  '11  tell  you 
how  Father  Tom  made  a  hare  ov  the 
Pope  that  evening,  both  in  theology 
and  the  cube  root. 


14 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 


II 

HOW    FATHER    TOM    SACKED    HIS    HOLI- 
NESS IN   THEOLOGY  AND  LOGIC 

TXT' ELL,  the  lecthir'sover,  andl  'm 
^  ^  kilt  out  and  out.  My  bitther 
curse  be  upon  the  man  that  invinted 
the  same  Boord !  I  thought  one 't  I  'd 
f adorned  the  say  ov  throuble;  and 
that  was  when  I  got  through  fractions 
at  ould  ]\Iat  Kavanagh's  school  in 
Firdramore, — God  be  good  to  poor 
Mat's  sowl,  though  he  did  deny  the 
cause  the  day  he  suffered!  but  it  's 
fluxions  itself  we  're  set  to  bottom 
now,  sink  or  shwim!  May  I  never 
die  if  my  head  is  n't  as  throughother 
15 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

as  anything,  wid  their  ordinals  and 
cardinals, — and,  begad,  it  's  all  noth- 
ing to  the  econimy  lecthir  that  I  have 
to  go  to  at  two  o'clock.  Howandiver, 
I  mnst  n  't  forget  that  we  left  his  Riv  '- 
rence  and  his  Holiness  sitting  fornenst 
one  another  in  the  parlor  ov  the  Vati- 
can, jist  afther  mixing  their  second 
tumbler. 

When  they  had  got  well  down  into 
the  same,  they  fell,  as  I  was  telling 
you,  into  learned  discourse.  For  you 
see,  the  Pope  was  curious  to  find  out 
whether  Father  Tom  was  the  great 
theologinall  that  people  said ;  and  says 
he,  "]\Iisther  Maguire,"  says  he, 
''w^hat  answer  do  you  make  to  the 
heretics  when  they  quote  them  pas- 
16 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

sidges  agin  thransubstantiation  out  ov 
the  Fathers?"  says  he. 

"Why,"  says  his  Eiv'rence,  ''as 
there  is  no  sieh  passidges  I  make  my- 
self mighty  asy  about  them;  but  if 
you  want  to  know  how  I  dispose  ov 
them,"  says  he,  ''just  repate  one  ov 
them,  and  I  '11  show  you  how  to 
catapompherieate  it  in  two  shakes." 

"Why  then,"  says  the  Pope,  "my- 
self disremimbers  the  particlar  pas- 
sidges  they  allidge  out  ov  them  ould 
felleys,"  says  he,  "though  sure 
enough  they  're  more  numerous  nor 
edifying, — so  we  '11  jist  suppose  that 
a  heretic  was  to  find  such  a  saying  as 
this  in  Austin,  'Every  sensible  man 
knows  that  thransubstantiation  is   a 

a— Father  Tom.  17 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

lie,' — or  this  out  of  Tertullian  or 
Plutarch,  'the  bishop  ov  Kome  is  a 
common  imposther, ' — now  tell  me, 
could  you  answer  him?" 

''As  asy  as  kiss,"  says  his  Riv'- 
rence.  ' '  In  the  first,  we  're  to  under- 
stand that  the  exprission,  'Every 
sinsible  man,'  signifies  simply,  'every 
man  that  judges  by  his  nath'ral 
sinses ' ;  and  we  all  know  that  nobody 
follying  them  seven  deludhers  could 
ever  find  out  the  mysthery  that  's  in 
it,  if  somebody  did  n't  come  in  to  his 
assistance  wid  an  eighth  sinse,  which 
is  the  only  sinse  to  be  depended  on, 
being  the  sinse  ov  the  Church.  So 
that,  regarding  the  first  quotation 
which  your  Holiness  has  supposed,  it 
18 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

makes  clane  for  us,  and  tee-totally 
agin  the  heretics." 

"That  's  the  explanation  sure 
enough,"  says  his  Holiness;  "and 
now  what  div  you  say  to  my  being  a 
common  impostherl" 

* '  Faix,  I  think, ' '  says  his  Riv  'rence, 
"wid  all  submission  to  the  betther 
judgment  ov  the  learned  Father  that 
your  Holiness  has  quoted,  he  'd  have 
been  a  thrifle  nearer  the  thruth,  if  he 
had  said  that  the  bishop  ov  Rome  is 
the  grand  imposther  and  top-sawyer 
in  that  line  over  us  all. " 

"What  do  you  mane?"  says  the 
Pope,  getting  quite  red  in  the  face. 

"What  would  I  mane,"  says  his 
Riv'rence,  as  composed  as  a  docther 
19 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

ov  physic,  ''but  that  your  Holiness  is 
at  the  head  ov  all  them, — troth  I  had 
a 'most  forgot  I  was  n't  a  bishop  my- 
self, ' '  says  he,  the  deludher  was  going 
to  say,  as  the  head  of  all  uz, ' '  that  has 
the  gift  ov  laying  on  hands.  For 
sure,"  says  he,  "imposther  and  im- 
posithir  is  all  one,  so  you  're  only  to 
undherstand  maniiiim,  and  the  job  is 
done.  Auvuich!"  says  he,  "if  any 
heretic  'ud  go  for  to  cast  up  sich  a 
passidge  as  that  agin  me,  I  'd  soon 
give  him  a  p  'lite  art  ov  cutting  a  stick 
to  welt  his  own  back  wid. " 

"  'Pon  my  apostolical  word,"  says 
the  Pope,  "you  've  cleared  up  them 
two  pints  in  a  most  satiswhactery 
manner. ' ' 

20 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

"You  see,"  says  his  Riv'rence, — by 
this  time  they  wor  mixing  their  third 
tumbler, — "the  writings  of  them 
Fathers  is  to  be  thrated  Avid  great 
veneration;  and  it  'ud  be  the  heigh* 
ov  presumption  in  any  one  to  sit  down 
to  interpret  them  widout  providing 
himself  wid  a  genteel  assortment  ov 
the  best  figures  of  rhetoric,  sich  as 
metton;^any,  hyperbol,  cattychraysis, 
prolipsis,  mettylipsis,  superbaton,  pol- 
lysyndreton,  hustheronprotheron,  pro- 
sodypeia  and  the  like,  in  ordher  that 
he  may  never  be  at  a  loss  for  shuitable 
sintiments  when  he  comes  to  their 
high-flown  passidges.  For  unless  we 
thrate  them  Fathers  liberally  to  a 
handsome  allowance  ov  thropes  and 
21 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

figures  they  'd  set  up  heresy  at  onc't, 
so  they  would." 

' '  It  's  thru  for  you, ' '  says  the  Pope ; 
"the  figures  ov  spache  is  the  pillars 
ov  the  Church." 

''Bedad,"  says  his  Riv'rence,  "I 
dunna  what  we  'd  do  widout  them  at 
all." 

''Which  one  do  you  prefir?"  says 
the  Pope ;  ' '  that  is, ' '  says  he,  ' '  which 
figure  of  spache  do  you  find  most  use- 
fullest  when  you   're  hard  set?" 

' '  ^Metaphour  's  very  good, ' '  says  his 
Riv'rence,  "and  so  's  mettonymy, — 
and  I  've  known  prosodypeia  stand  to 
me  at  a  pinch  mighty  well, — but  for  a 
constancy,  superbaton  's  the  figure  for 
my  money.  Devil  be  in  me,"  says 
22 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

he, ' '  but  I  'd  prove  black  white  as  fast 
as  a  horse  'ud  throt  wid  only  a  good 
stick  ov  superbaton." 

''Faix, "  says  the  Pope,  wid  a  sly 
look,  ''you  'd  need  to  have  it  backed, 
I  judge,  wid  a  small  piece  of  as- 
surance.'* 

"Well  now,  jist  for  that  word," 
says  his  Riv'rence,  "I'  11  prove  it 
widout  aither  one  or  other.  Black," 
says  he,  "is  one  thing  and  white  is 
another  thing.  You  don 't  conthravene 
that?  But  everything  is  aither  one 
thing  or  another  thing;  I  defy  the 
Apostle  Paul  to  get  over  that  dilemma. 
Well !  If  anything  be  one  thing,  well 
and  good ;  but  if  it  be  another  thing, 
then  it  's  plain  it  is  n't  both  things, 
23 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

and  so  can't  be  two  things, — nobody 
can  deny  that.  But  what  can 't  be  two 
things  must  be  one  thing, — Ergo, 
whether  it  's  one  thing  or  another 
thing  it  's  all  one.  But  black  is  one 
thing  and  white  is  another  thing, — 
Ergo,  black  and  white  is  all  one. 
Quod  erat  demonstUrandiim.'^ 

"Stop  a  bit,"  says  the  Pope,  ''I 
can't  althegither  give  in  to  your  sec- 
ond miner — no — your  second  major," 
says  he,  and  he  stopped.  "Faix, 
then,"  says  he,  getting  confused,  "I 
don't  rightly  remimber  where  it  was 
exactly  that  I  thought  I  seen  the  flaw 
in  your  premises.  Howsomdiver, " 
says  he,  "I  don't  deny  that  it  's  a 
good  conclusion,  and  one  that  'ud  be 
24 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

ov  materi  1  service  to  the  Church  if  it 
was  dhrawn  wid  a  little  more  distinc- 
tiveness. ' ' 

"I  '11  make  it  as  plain  as  the  nose  on 
your  Holiness 's  face,  by  superbaton," 
says  his  Eiv'rence.  ''^My  adversary 
saj^s,  black  is  not  another  color,  that 
is,  white?  Now  that's  jist  a  parallel 
passidge  wid  the  one  out  ov  Tartulion 
that  me  and  Hayes  smashed  the  here- 
tics on  in  Clarendon  Sthreet.  'This 
is  my  body,  that  is,  the  figure  ov  my 
body.'  That  's  a  superbaton,  and  we 
showed  that  it  ought  n't  to  be  read 
that  way  at  all  but  this  way,  'This 
figure  of  my  body  is  my  body.'  Jist 
so  wid  my  adversary's  proposition,  it 
must  n't  be  undherstood  the  way  it 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

reads,  by  no  manner  of  manes;  but 
it  's  to  be  taken  this  way, — 'Black, 
that  is,  white,  is  not  another  color, — 
green,  if  you  like,  or  orange,  by  dad, 
for  anything  I  care,  for  my  case  is 
proved.  'Black,  that  is,  white,'  lave 
out  the  'that'  by  sinnalayphy,  and 
you  have  the  orthodox  conclusion, 
'Black  is  white,'  or,  by  convarsion, 
'White  is  black.'  " 

"It  's  as  clear  as  mud,"  says  the 
Pope. 

"Bedad,"  says  his  Eiv'rence,  "I  'm 
in  great  humor  for  disputin'  to-night. 
I  wisht  your  Holiness  was  a  heretic 
jist  for  two  minutes,"  says  he,  "till 
you  'd  see  the  flaking  I  'd  give  you ! ' ' 

' '  "Well,  then,  for  the  fun  o '  the  thing 
26 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

suppose  me  my  namesake,  if  you  like, " 
says  the  Pope,  laug-hing',  "though,  by 
Jayminy,"  says  he,  "he  's  not  one 
that  I  take  much  pride  out  ov. ' ' 

"Very  good, — devil  a  betther  joke 
ever  I  had,"  says  his  Riv'rence. 
"Come,  then,  Misther  Pope,"  says 
he,  "hould  up  that  purty  face  ov 
yours,  and  answer  me  this  question: 
"Which  'ud  be  the  biggest  lie, — if  I 
said  I  seen  a  turkey-cock  lying  on  the 
broad  ov  his  back,  and  picking  the 
stars  out  ov  the  sky,  or  if  I  was  to  say 
that  I  seen  a  gandher  in  the  same 
intherrestin '  posture,  raycreating  him- 
self wid  similar  asthronomical  experi- 
ments? Answer  me  that,  you  ould 
swaddler!"  says  he. 
27 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

' '  How  durst  you  call  me  a  swaddler, 
sir?''  says  the  Pope,  forgetting,  the 
dear  man,  the  part  that  he  was  acting. 

' '  Don 't  think  to  bully  me ! ' '  says 
his  Riv'rence.  "I  always  daar  to 
spake  the  truth,  and  it  's  well  knoY\'n 
that  you  're  nothing  but  a  swaddling 
ould  sent  ov  a  saint,"  says  he,  never 
letting  on  to  persave  that  his  Holiness 
had  forgot  what  they  were  agreed  on. 

"By  all  that  's  good!"  says  the 
Pope,  ' '  I  often  hard  ov  the  imperance 
of  you  Irish  afore,"  says  he,  "but  I 
never  expected  to  be  called  a  saint  in 
my  OAvn  house,  either  by  Irishman  or 
Hottentot.  I  '11  till  you  what,  Misther 
Maguire, ' '  says  he,  ' '  if  you  can 't  keep 
a  civil  tongue  in  yoiiv  head,  you  had 


Father  Tom   and  the  Pope 

betther  be  walking  off  wid  yourself; 
for  I  beg  lave  to  give  you  to  undher- 
stand  that  it  won 't  be  for  the  good  ov 
your  health  if  you  call  me  by  sich  an 
outprobrious  epithet  again,"  says 
he. 

"Oh,  indeed!  then  things  is  come 
to  a  purty  pass,"  says  his  Riv'rence 
(the  dear  funny  soul  that  he  ever 
was!),  ^Avhen  the  lik  ov  you  com- 
pares one  ov  the  Maguires  ov  Tempo 
wid  a  wild  Ingine !  Why,  man  alive, 
the  Maguires  was  kings  ov  Fermanagh 
three  thousand  years  afore  your 
grandfather,  that  was  the  first  ov  your 
breed  that  ever  wore  shoes  and  stock- 
ings" (I  'm  bound  to  say,  in  justice 
to  the  poor  Prodesan,  that  this  was  all 
29 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

spoken  by  his  Riv'rence  by  way  of  a 
figure  of  spache),  "was  sint  his 
Majesty's  arrand  to  cultivate  the 
friendship  of  Prince  Lee  Boo  in 
Botteney  Bay !  0  Bryan  dear, ' '  says 
he,  letting  on  to  cry,  ''if  you  were 
alive  to  hear  a  hoddagh  Sassenagh 
like  this  casting  up  his  counthry  to 
me  ov  the  name  ov  Maguire!" 

''In  the  name  ov  God,"  says  the 
Pope,  very  solemniously ,  ' '  what  is  the 
maning  ov  all  this  at  all,  at  all?'* 
says  he. 

"Sure,"  says  his  Riv'rence,  whis- 
pering to  him  across  the  table, — ' '  sure, 
you  know  we  're  acting  a  conthra- 
warsy,  and  you  tuck  the  part  ov  the 
Prodesan  champion.  You  would  n't 
30 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

be  angry  wid  me,  I  'm  sure,  for  sarv- 
ing  out  the  heretic  to  the  best  ov  my 
ability." 

' '  Oh,  begad,  I  had  forgot, ' '  says  the 
Pope,  the  good-natured  ould  crethur; 
*'sure  enough,  you  were  only  taking 
your  part  as  a  good  Milesian  Catholic 
ought  agin  the  heretic  Sassenagh, 
Well,"  says  he,  ''fire  away  now,  and 
I  '11  put  up  wid  as  many  conthrover- 
sial  compliments  as  you  plase  to  pay 
me." 

''Well,  then,  answer  me  my  ques- 
tion, you  santimonious  ould  dandy," 
says  his  Kiv'rence. 

' '  In  troth,  then, ' '  says  the  Pope,  ' '  I 
dunna  which  'ud  be  the  biggest  lie ;  to 
my  mind,"  says  he,  "the  one  appears 
31 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

to  be  about  as  big  a  bounce  as  the 
other." 

"Why,  then,  you  poor  simpleton," 
says  his  Riv  'rence, ' '  don 't  you  persave 
that  forbye  the  advantage  the  gandher 
'ud  have  in  the  length  ov  his  neck,  it 
'ud  be  next  to  empossible  for  the 
turkey-cock  lying  thataway  to  see 
vrhat  he  was  about,  by  rason  ov  his 
djollars  and  other  accouthrements 
hanging  back  over  his  eyes  ?  The  one 
about  as  big  a  bounce  as  the  other! 
Oh,  you  misf ortunate  crethur !  if  you 
had  ever  larnecl  your  A  B  C  in  the- 
ology, you  'cl  have  known  that  there  's 
a  differ  betuxt  them  two  lies  so  great, 
that,  begad,  I  would  n  't  wondher  if  it 
'ud  make  a  balance  ov  five  years  in 

32 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

purgathory  to  the  sowl  that  'ud  be  in 
it.  Ay,  and  if  it  was  n't  that  the 
Church  is  too  liberal  entirely,  so  she 
is,  it  'ud  cost  his  heirs  and  succissors 
betther  nor  ten  pounds  to  have  him 
out  as  soon  as  the  other.  Get  along, 
man,  and  take  half  a  year  at  dogmati- 
cal theology :  go  and  read  your  Dens, 
you  poor  dunce,  you ! ' ' 

"Raaly, "  says  the  Pope,  ''you  're 
making  the  heretic  shoes  too  hot  to 
hould  me.  I  wondher  how  the  Prode- 
sans  can  stand  afore  you  at  all." 

"Don't  think  to  delude  me,"  says 
his  Riv'rence,  "don't  think  to  back 
out  ov  your  challenge  now,"  says  he, 
"but  come  to  the  scratch  like  a  man, 
if  3^ou  are  a  man,  and  answer  me  my 

3 — Father  Tom.  ^i<J 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

question :  What  's  the  rason,  now, 
that  Julius  Caesar  and  the  Vargin 
Mary  was  born  upon  the  one  day, — 
answer  me  that,  if  you  would  n't  be 
hissed  off  the  platform?" 

Well,  my  dear,  the  Pope  could  n't 
answer  it,  and  he  had  to  acknowledge 
himself  sacked.  Then  he  axed  his 
Riv'rence  to  tell  him  the  rason  him- 
self; and  Father  Tom  communicated 
it  to  him  in  Latin.  But  as  that  is  a 
very  deep  question,  I  never  hard 
what  the  answer  was,  except  that  I  'm 
tould  it  was  so  mysterious,  it  made 
the  Pope's  hair  stand  on  end.  But 
there  's  two  o'clock,  and  I  '11  be  late 
for  the  lecthir. 


34 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 


III 

HOW    FATHER    TOM     MADE    A    HARE    OF 
HIS   HOLINESS   IN   LATIN 

r\  DOCTHER  WHATELY,  Doc- 
^^  tlier  AYhately,  I  'm  sure  I  '11 
never  die  another  death,  if  I  don 't  die 
aither  ov  consumption  or  production ! 
I  ever  and  alwaj's  thought  that  as- 
thronomy  was  the  hardest  science  that 
was  till  now, — and,  it  's  no  lie  I'  m 
telling  you,  the  same  asthronomy  is  a 
tough  enough  morsel  to  brake  a  man 's 
fast  upon, — and  geolidgy  is  middling 
and  hard  too, — and  hydherastatics  is 
no  joke, — but  ov  all  the  books  ov  sci- 
ence that  ever  was  opened  and  shut, 
35 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

that  book  upon  P  'litical  Econimy  lifts 
the  pins !  Well,  well,  if  they  wait  till 
they  persuade  me  that  taking  a  man 's 
rints  out  ov  the  counthry,  and  spind- 
ing  them  in  forrain  parts  is  n't  doing 
us  out  ov  the  same,  they  '11  wait  a  long 
time  in  truth.  But  you  're  waiting,  I 
see,  to  hear  how  his  Riv'rence  and  his 
Holiness  got  on  after  finishing  the  dis- 
putation I  was  telling  you  of.  Well, 
you  see,  my  dear,  w^hen  the  Pope 
found  he  could  n't  hould  a  candle  to 
Father  Tom  in  theology  and  logic,  he 
thought  he  'd  take  the  shine  out  ov 
him  in  Latin  anyhow:  so  says  he, 
* '  Misther  Maguire, ' '  says  he,  ' '  I  quite 
agree  wid  you  that  it  's  not  lucky  for 
us  to  be  spaking  on  them  deep  sub- 
36 


Father  Tom  and   the   Pope 

jects  in  sicli  langidges  as  the  evil 
spirits  is  acquainted  wid ;  and, ' '  says 
he,  "I  think  it  'iid  be  no  harm  for  us 
to  spake  from  this  out  in  Latin, ' '  says 
he,  ''for  fraid  the  devil  'ud  undher- 
stand  what  we  are  saying. ' ' 

"Not  a  hair  I  care,"  says  Father 
Tom,  "whether  they  undherstand 
what  we  're  saying  or  not,  as  long  as 
we  keep  off  that  last  pint  we  wer  dis- 
cussing, and  one  or  two  others.  List- 
ners  never  hear  good  ov  themselves,'* 
says  he,  "and  if  Belzhebub  takes  any- 
thing amiss  that  aither  you  or  me  says 
in  regard  ov  himself  or  his  faction,  let 
him  stand  forrid  like  a  man,  and 
never  fear,  I  '11  give  him  his  answer. 
Howandiver,   if  it    's  for  a  taste  ov 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

classic  conwersation  you  are,  jist  to 
put  lis  in  mind  ov  ould  Cordarius," 
says  he,  "here  's  at  you."  And  wid 
that  he  lets  fly  at  his  Holiness  wid 
his  health  in  Latin. 

"Vesthra3  Sanctitatis  salutem  volo, " 
says  he. 

' '  VesthraB  Revirintia?  salutritati 
bibo, "  says  the  Pope  to  him  again 
(faith,  it  's  no  joke,  I  tell  you,  to  re- 
mimber  sich  a  poAver  ov  larning). 
"Here  's  to  you  wid  the  same,"  says 
the  Pope,  in  the  raal  Ciceronian. 
"Nunc  poculum  alterhum  imple," 
says  he. 

"Cum  omni  jueunditate  in  vita," 
says  his  Riv'rence.  "Cum  summa 
concupiscintia  et  animositate, "  says 
38 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

he,  as  much  as  to  say,  ''Wid  all  the 
veins  ov  my  heart,  I  '11  do  that  same, ' ' 
— and  so  wid  that  they  mix'd  their 
fourth  gun  apiece. 

"Aqua  vitoe  vesthra  sane  est  liquor 
admirabilis, "  says  the  Pope. 

''Verum  est  pro  te, — it's  thrue  for 
you," — says  his  Riv'rence,  forgetting 
the  idyim  ov  the  Latin  phwraseology 
in  a  manner. 

''Prava  est  tua  Latinitas,  domine," 
says  the  Pope,  finding  fault  like  wid 
his  etymology. 

"Parva  culpa  mihi, "  "small  blame 
to  me,  that  's, "  says  his  Riv'rence, 
"nam  multum  laboro  in  partibus  in- 
terioribus, ' '  says  he — the  dear  man  ! 
that  never  was  at  a  loss  for  an  excuse ! 

39 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

''Quid  tibi  incommodi ? "  says  the 
Pope,  axing  him  what  ailed  him. 

' '  Habesne  id  quod  Anglice  vocamus 
a  looking-glass?"  says  his  Riv'renee. 

"Immo,  habeo  speculum  splendi- 
dissimum  subther  operculum  pyxidis 
hujus  starnutatoria?, "  says  the  Pope, 
pulling  out  a  beautiful  goold  snuff-box, 
wid  a  looking-glass  in  undher  the  lid 
— ''Subther  operculum  pyxidis  hujus 
starnutatorii  —  no  —  starnutatori^  — 
quam  dono  accepi  ab  Arch-duce  Aus- 
thriaco  siptuagisima  pra^therita, ' '  says 
he, — as  much  as  to  say  that  he  got  the 
box  in  a  prisint  from  the  Queen  ov 
Spain  last  Lint,  if  I  rightly  remimber. 

Well,  Father  Tom  laughed  like  to 
burst.  At  last,  says  he,  "Father 
40 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

Sancte, "  says  he,  ^'sub  error e  jaces. 
'Looking-glass '  apucl  nos  habet  sig- 
nificationem  quamdam  peculiarem  ex 
tempore  diei  dependentem, ' ' — there 
was  a  sthring  ov  accusatives  for  yez! 
— "nam  mane  specukmi  sonat, "  says 
he,  "post  prandinm  vero  mat — mat — • 
mat ' ' — sorra  be  in  me  but  I  disremim- 
ber  the  classic  appellivation  ov  the 
same  article.  Howandiver,  his  RivV 
rence  went  on  explaining  himself  in 
such  a  way  as  no  scholar  could  mis- 
take. ' '  Vesica  mea, ' '  says  he,  '  ^  ab  illo 
ultimo  eversore  distenditur,  donee 
similis  est  rumpere.  Verbis  apertis,'* 
says  he,  "Vesthr^e  Sanctitatis  prse- 
sentia  salvata,  aquam  facere  valde 
desidhero. ' ' 

41 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

' '  Ho,  ho,  ho ! "  says  the  Pope,  grab- 
bing up  his  box,  ''si  inquinavisses 
meam  pyxidem,  excimnicari  debuisses 
— Hillo,  Anthony,"  says  he  to  his 
head  butler,  ''fetch  Misther  Maguire 


' '  You  spoke  first ! ' '  says  his  Riv  '- 
rence,  jumping  off  his  sate, — "you 
spoke  first  in  the  vernacular!  I  take 
Misther  Anthony  to  witness,"  says 
he. 

"What  else  would  you  have  me  to 
do?"  says  the  Pope,  quite  dogged 
like  to  see  himself  bate  thataway  at 
his  own  waypons.  "Sure,"  saj^s  he, 
' '  Anthony  would  n  't  undherstand  a  B 
from  a  bull's  foot,  if  I  spoke  to  him 
any  other  way. ' ' 

42 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

''Well,  then,"  says  his  Riv'rence, 
"in  considheration  ov  the  needces- 
sity,"  says  he,  "I  '11  let  you  off  for 
this  time !  but  mind  now,  afther  I  say 
prcestlio,  the  first  ov  us  that  spakes 
a  word  ov  English  is  the  hare — 
prcestlio!'^ 

Neither  ov  them  spoke  for  near  a 
minit,  considering  wid  themselves 
how  they  were  to  begin  sich  a  great 
thrial  ov  shkill.  At  last,  saj^s  the 
Pope, — the  blessed  man,  only  think 
how  'cute  it  was  ov  him  ! — ' '  Domine 
Maguire, "  says  he,  "valde  desidhero, 
certiorem  fieri  de  significatione  istius 
verbi  cversor  quo  jam  jam  usus  es" — 
(well,  surely  I  am  the  boy  for  the 
Latin!) 

43 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

^^Eversor,  id  est  Cyathus, "  says  his 
Riv'rence,  ''nam  apud  nos  tiimhleri 
seu  eversores,  dicti  sunt  ab  evertendo 
ceremoniam  inter  amicos;  non,  nt 
Temperantiae  Societatis  frigidis  fau- 
toribns  placet,  ab  evertendis  ipsis  po- 
tatoribus. "  (It  's  not  every  masther 
undher  the  Boord,  I  tell  you,  could 
carry  sich  a  car-load  ov  the  dead  lan- 
gidges.)  ''In  agro  vero  Louthiano  et 
Midensi,"  says  he,  "nomine  gaudent 
quodam  secundum  linguam  Anglica- 
nam  significante  bombardam  seu  tor- 
mentum ;  quia  ex  eis  tanquam  ex  telis 
jaculatoriis  liquorem  f  acibus  immittere 
solent.  Etiam  inter  haereticos  illos 
melanostomos "  (that  was  a  touch  ov 
Greek)  "  Presbyterianos  Septentrio- 
44 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

nales,  qui  sunt  terribiles  potatores, 
Cyathi  dicti  sunt  faceres,  et  dimidium 
Cyathi  hcef-a-glessus.  Dimidium  Cya- 
thi vero  apud  IMetropolitanos  Hiberni- 
cos  dicitur  dandy.'' 

''En  verbum  Anglicanum!"  says 
the  Pope,  clapping  his  hands, — "lepo- 
rem  te  f ecisti " ;  as  much  as  to  say  that 
he  had  made  a  hare  of  himself. 

^'DandmuSy  dandceiis  verbum  erat," 
says  his  Riv  'rence, — oh,  the  dear  man, 
but  it  's  himself  that  was  handy  ever 
and  always  at  getting  out  ov  a  hobble, 
— ^^ dandceiis  verbum  erat,'*  says  he, 
' '  quod  dicturus  eram,  cum  me  inther- 
pillavisti." 

"Ast  ego  dico,"  says  the  Pope  very 
sharp,  "quod  verbum  erat  dandy." 
45 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

*'Per  tibicinem  qui  coram  Mose 
modulatus  est,"  says  his  E/iv'rence, 
"id  flagellat  mundum !  Dandceus  dixi, 
et  tu  dicis  dandy ;  ergo  tu  es  lepus, 
non  ego — Ah,  ha !  Saccavi  vesthram 
Sanctitatem ! ' ' 

''Mendaciiim  est!"  says  the  Pope, 
quite  forgetting  himself,  he  was  so 
mad  at  being  sacked  before  the  sarv- 
ints. 

Well,  if  it  had  n't  been  that  his 
Holiness  Avas  in  it.  Father  Tom  'ud 
have  given  him  the  contints  of  his 
tumbler  betuxt  the  two  eyes,  for  call- 
ing him  a  liar ;  and,  in  troth,  it  's  very 
well  it  was  in  Latin  the  offince  was 
conweyed,  for,  if  it  had  been  in  the 
vernacular,  there  's  no  saying  what 
46 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

'ud  ha'  been  the  consequence.  His 
Kiv'rence  was  mighty  angry  anyhow. 
* '  Tu  senex  lathro, ' '  says  he, ' '  quomodo 
audes  me  mendacem  pragdicare  1 ' ' 

* '  Et,  tu,  sacrilege  nebulo, ' '  says  the 
Pope,  *' quomodo  audacitatem  habeas, 
me  Dei  in  terris  vicarium,  lathronem 
conwiciari  1 ' ' 

"Interroga  circumcirca, "  says  his 
Kiv'rence. 

*'Abi  ex  sedibus  meis,"  ssljs  the 
Pope. 

*'Abi  tu  in  malam  crucem,"  says 
his  Riv'rence. 

"Excimnicabo  te,"  says  the  Pope. 

**Diabolus  curat,"  says  his  Kiv'- 
rence. 

*' Anathema  sis,"  says  the  Pope. 
47 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

"Osciila  meum  pod — ''  says  his 
Riv'rence — but,  my  dear,  afore  he 
could  finish  what  he  was  going  to  say, 
the  Pope  broke  out  into  the  vernacu- 
lar, ' '  Get  out  o '  my  house,  you  repro- 
bate ! ' '  says  he,  in  sieh  a  rage  that  he 
could  contain  himself  widin  the  Latin 
no  longer. 

' '  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! — ho,  ho,  ho ! "  says 
his  Riv'rence.  ''Who  's  the  hare 
now,  your  Holiness  ?  Oh,  by  this  and 
b}^  that,  I '  ve  sacked  you  clane  !  Clane 
and  clever  I  've  done  it,  and  no  mis- 
take !  You  see  what  a  bit  of  desate 
will  do  wid  the  wisest,  your  Holiness, 
— sure  it  was  joking  I  was,  on  purpose 
to  aggravate  you, — all  's  fair,  you 
know,  in  love,  law,  and  conthravarsy. 
48 


Father  Tom  and   the   Pope 

In  troth  if  I  'd  thought  you  'd  have 
taken  it  so  much  to  heart,  I  'd  have 
put  my  head  into  the  fire  afore  I  'd 
have  said  a  word  to  offend  you, ' '  says 
he,  for  he  seen  that  the  Pope  was 
very  vexed.  "Sure,  God  forbid,  that 
I  'd  say  anything  agin  your  Holiness, 
barring  it  was  in  fun  :  for  are  n  't  you 
the  father  ov  the  faithful,  and  the 
thrue  vicar  ov  God  upon  earth  1  And 
are  n't  I  ready  to  go  down  on  my 
two  knees  this  blessed  minit  and  beg 
your  apostolical  pardon  for  every 
word  that  I  said  to  your  displase- 
ment?" 

' '  Are  you  in  arnest  that  it  is  in  fun 
you  wer?"  says  the  Pope. 

' '  May  I  never  die  if  I  are  n  't, "  says 

4— Father  Tom.  49 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

his  Riv'rence.  ''It  was  all  to  provoke 
your  Holiness  to  commit  a  brache  ov 
the  Latin,  that  I  tuck  the  small  liber- 
ties I  did, ' '  says  he. 

"I  'd  have  you  to  take  care,"  says 
the  Pope,  "how  you  take  sich  small 
liberties  again,  or  maybe  you  '11  pro- 
voke me  to  commit  a  brache  ov  the 
pace." 

''Well,  and  if  I  did,"  says  his  Riv'- 
rence, 'T  know  a  sartain  preparation 
ov  chymicals  that  's  very  good  for 
curing  a  brache  either  in  Latinity  or 
friendship." 

''What    's   that?"   says   the   Pope, 

quite  mollified,  and  sitting  down  again 

at  the  table  that  he  had  ris  from  in  the 

first  pluff  of  his  indignation.  ' '  What '  s 

50 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

that?''  says  he,  ''for  'pon  my  epis- 
tolical  'davy,  I  think  it  'ud  n  't  be  asy 
to  bate  this  miraculous  mixthir  that 
we  've  been  thrying  to  anilize  this  two 
hours  back,"  says  he,  taking  a  mighty 
scientifical  swig  out  ov  the  bottom  ov 
his  tumbler. 

''It  's  good  for  a  beginning,"  says 
his  Riv'rence;  "it  lays  a  very  nate 
foundation  for  more  sarious  opera- 
tion :  but  we  're  now  arrived  at  a 
pariod  ov  the  evening  when  it  's  time 
to  proceed  wid  our  shuperstructure  by 
compass  and  square,  like  free  and 
excipted  masons  as  we  both  are." 

My  time  's  up  for  the  prisint ;  but 
I  '11  tell  you  the  rest  in  the  evening  at 
home. 

51 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 


IV 

HOW    FATHER    TOM    AND    HIS    HOLINESS 

DISPUTED  AT  METAPHYSICS 

AND   ALGEBRA 

/^^  OD  be  wid  the  time  when  I  went 
^^  to  the  classical  seminary  ov  Fir- 
dramore !  when  I  'd  bring  my  sod  o ' 
turf  undher  my  arm,  and  sit  down  on 
my  shnng  boss  o'  straw,  wid  my  back 
to  the  masther  and  my  shins  to  the 
fire,  and  score  my  sum  in  Dives's  de- 
nominations ov  the  double  rule  o' 
three,  or  play  fox  and  geese  wid  purty 
Jane  Cruise  that  sat  next  me,  as  plis- 
antly  as  the  day  was  long,  widout  any 
52 


Father  Tom  and   the  Pope 

one  so  much  as  saying, ' '  Mikey  Heffer- 
nan,  what  's  that  you  're  about?" — • 
for  ever  since  I  was  in  the  one  lodge 
wid  poor  ould  Mat  I  had  my  own  way 
in  his  school  as  free  as  ever  I  had  in 
my  mother's  shebeen. 

God  be  wid  them  days,  I  say  again, 
for  it  's  althered  times  wid  me,  I 
judge,  since  I  got  undher  Carlisle 
and  Whately.  Sich  sthrictness!  sich 
ordher !  sich  dhrilling,  and  lecthiring, 
and  tuthoring  as  they  do  get  on  wid! 
I  wisht  to  gracious  the  one  half  ov 
their  rules  and  regilations  was  sunk 
in  the  say.  And  they're  getting  so 
sthrict  too  about  having  fair  play  for 
the  heretic  childer!  We  're  to  have 
no  more  schools  in  the  chapels,  nor 
53 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

masses  in  the  schools.  Oh,  by  this  and 
by  that,  it  '11  never  do  at  all ! 

The  onld  plan  was  twenty  times 
betther:  and,  for  my  own  part,  if  it 
was  n't  that  the  clargy  supports  them 
in  a  manner,  and  the  grant  's  a  thing 
not  easily  done  widout  these  hard 
times,  I  'd  see  if  I  could  n't  get  a  shel- 
tered spot  nigh  hand  the  chapel,  and 
set  up  again  on  the  good  ould  princi- 
ple :  and  f  aix,  I  think  our  metropolitan 
'ud  stand  to  me,  for  I  know  that  his 
Grace's  motto  was  ever  and  always 
that  "Ignorance  is  the  thrue  mother 
ov  piety. ' ' 

But  I  'm  running  away  from  my 
narrative  entirely,  so  I  am.  "You  '11 
plase  to  ordher  up  the  housekeeper, 
54 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

then/'  says  Father  Tom  to  the  Pope, 
' '  wid  a  pint  ov  sweet  milk  in  a  skillet, 
and  the  bulk  ov  her  fist  ov  butther, 
along  wid  a  dust  of  soft  sugar  in  a 
saucer,  and  I  '11  show  3^ou  the  way  of 
producing  a  decoction  that,  I  '11  be 
bound,  will  hunt  the  thirst  out  ov 
every  nook  and  corner  in  your  Holi- 
ness's  blessed  carcidge." 

The  Pope  ordhered  up  the  ingre- 
dients, and  they  were  brought  in  by 
the  head  butler. 

"That  '11  not  do  at  all,"  says  his 
Riv'rence,  "the  ingredients  won't 
combine  in  due  proportion  unless  ye 
do  as  I  bid  yes.  Send  up  the  house- 
keeper, ' '  says  he, ' '  for  a  f aymale  hand 
is  ondispinsably  necessary  to  produce 
55 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

the  adaption  of  the  particles  and  the 
concurrence  of  the  corpuscles,  Avidout 
which  you  might  boil  till  morning  and 
never  fetch  the  cruds  off  ov  it. ' ' 

Well,  the  Pope  whispered  to  his 
head  butler,  and  by  and  by  up  there 
comes  an  ould  faggot  ov  a  Cuillean, 
that  was  enough  to  frighten  a  horse 
from  his  oats. 

"Do  n't  thry  for  to  desave  me,'* 
says  his  Riv  'rence,  ' '  for  it  's  no  use,  I 
tell  yes.  Send  up  the  housekeeper,  I 
bid  yes :  I  seen  her  presarving  goose- 
berries in  the  panthry  as  I  came  up: 
she  has  eyes  as  black  as  a  sloe,"  says 
he,  ' '  and  cheeks  like  the  rose  in  June ; 
antl  sorra  taste  ov  this  celestial  mixthir 
shall  crass  the  lips  ov  man  or  morteal 
56 


Father  Tom   and   die   Pop^e 

this  blessed  ni<i'ht  till  she  stirs  the  same 
up  wid  her  own  delicate  little  finger. ' ' 

"Misther  Maguire,"  says  the  Pope, 
*'it  's  very  unproper  ov  you  to  spake 
that  way  ov  my  housekeeper :  I  won 't 
allow  it,  sir." 

''Honor  bright,  your  Holiness," 
says  his  Riv'rence,  laying  his  hand  on 
his  heart. 

''Oh,  by  this  and  by  that,  Misther 
]\Iaguire, "  says  the  Pope,  "I  '11  have 
none  of  your  insinivations ;  I  don 't 
care  who  sees  my  whole  household," 
says  he ;  "I  don 't  care  if  all  the  fay- 
males  undher  my  roof  was  paraded 
doAvn  the  High  Street  of  Room," 
says  he. 

"Oh,  it  's  plain  to  be  seen  how 
57 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

little  you  care  who  sees  them,"  says 
his  Riv'rence.  ''You're  afeard,  now, 
if  I  was  to  see  your  housekeeper,  that 
I  'd  say  she  Avas  too  handsome. ' ' 

"No,  I  'm  not!"  says  the  Pope, 
'T  don't  care  who  sees  her,"  says  he. 
"Anthony,"  says  he  to  the  head  but- 
ler, "bid  Eliza  throw  her  apron  over 
her  head,  and  come  up  here. ' '  Was  n't 
that  stout  in  the  blessed  man  ?  Well, 
my  dear,  up  she  came,  stepping  like  a 
three-year-old,  and  blushing  like  the 
brake  o'  day:  for  though  her  apron 
was  thrown  over  her  head  as  she  came 
f orrid,  till  you  could  barely  see  the  tip 
ov  her  chin, — more  be  token  there  was 
a  lovely  dimple  in  it,  as  I  've  been 
tould, — yet  she  let  it  shlip  a  bit  to  one 
58 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

side,  by  chance  like,  jist  as  she  got 
fornenst  the  fire,  and  if  she  would  n't 
have  given  his  Riv'rence  a  shot  if  he 
had  n  't  been  a  priest,  it  's  no  matther. 

"Now,  my  dear,"  says  he,  "you 
must  take  that  skillet,  and  hould  it 
over  the  fire  till  the  milk  comes  to  a 
blood  hate ;  and  the  way  you  '11  know 
that  will  be  by  stirring  it  onc't  or 
twice  wid  the  little  finger  ov  your 
right  hand,  afore  you  put  in  the 
butther:  not  that  I  misdoubt,"  says 
he,  ' '  but  that  the  same  finger  's  fairer 
nor  the  whitest  milk  that  ever  came 
from  the  tit." 

"None  of  your  deludhering  talk  to 
the  young  woman,  sir ! "  says  the  Pope, 
mighty  stern.  "Stir  the  posset  as  he 
59 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

bids  you,  Eliza,  and  then  be  off  wid 
yourself,"  says  he. 

'T  beg  your  Holiness 's  pardon  ten 
thousand  times,"  says  his  Riv'rence, 
"  I  'm  sure  I  meant  nothing  onp roper ; 
I  hope  I  'm  uncapable  ov  any  sich 
dirilection  of  my  duty,"  says  he. 
"But,  marciful  Saver!"  he  cried  out, 
jumping  up  on  a  suddent,  ''look  be- 
hind you,  your  Holiness, — I  'm  blest 
but  the  room  's  on  fire ! ' ' 

Sure  enough  the  candle  fell  down 
that  minit,  and  was  near  setting  fire 
to  the  windy-curtains,  and  there  was 
some  bustle,  as  you  may  suppose,  get- 
ting things  put  to  rights.  And  now  I 
have  to  tell  you  ov  a  really  onpleas- 
ant  occurrence.  If  I  was  a  Prodesan 
60 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

that  was  in  it,  I  'd  say  that  while  the 
Pope's  back  was  turned,  Father  Tom 
made  free  wid  the  two  lips  of  Miss 
Eliza ;  but,  upon  my  conscience,  I  be- 
lieve it  was  a  mere  mistake  that  his 
Holiness  fell  into  on  account  of  his 
being  an  ould  man  and  not  having 
aither  his  eyesight  or  his  hearing  very 
parfect.  At  any  rate,  it  can't  be  de- 
nied but  that  he  had  a  sthrong  impris- 
sion  that  sich  was  the  case ;  for  he 
wheeled  about  as  quick  as  thought, 
jist  as  his  Riv'rence  was  sitting  down, 
and  charged  him  wid  the  offince  plain 
and  plump.  '  Ts  it  kissing  my  house- 
keeper before  my  face  you  are,  you 
villain!"  says  he.  ''Go  down  out  o' 
this, ' '  says  he,  to  Miss  Eliza,  ' '  and  do 
61 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

yon  be  packing  off  wid  you, ' '  he  says 
to  Father  Tom,  "for  it  's  not  safe,  so 
it  is  n't,  to  have  the  likes  ov  yon  in 
a  honse  where  there  's  temptation  in 
your  way." 

'Ts  it  me?"  says  his  Riv'rence; 
"why,  what  would  your  Holiness  be 
at,  at  all?  Sure  I  was  n't  doing  no 
sich  thing." 

' '  Would  you  have  me  doubt  the  evi- 
dence ov  my  sinses?"  says  the  Pope; 
"would  you  have  me  doubt  the  testi- 
mony of  my  eyes  and  ears?"  says 
he. 

' '  Indeed  I  would  so, ' '  says  his  Riv  '- 
rence,  "if  they  pretend  to  have  in- 
formed your  Holiness  ov  any  sich 
foolishness. ' ' 

62 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

' '  Why, ' '  says  the  Pope,  '  T  've  seen 
you  afther  kissmg  Eliza  as  plain  as  I 
see  the  nose  on  your  face ;  I  heard  the 
smack  you  e^ave  her  as  plain  as  ever  I 
heard  thundher. " 

"And  how  do  you  know  whether 
you  see  the  nose  on  my  face  or  not  ? ' ' 
says  his  Eiv'rence,  "and  how  do  you 
know  whether  what  you  thought  was 
thundher,  was  thundher  at  all  ?  Them 
operations  on  the  sinses, "  says  he, 
"comprises  only  particular  corporal 
emotions,  connected  wid  sartain  con- 
fused perciptions  called  sinsations, 
and  is  n't  to  be  depended  upon  at  all. 
If  we  were  to  follow  them  blind  guides 
we  might  jist  as  well  turn  heretics  at 
onc't.  'Pon  my  secret  word,  your 
63 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

Holiness,  it  's  neither  charitable  nor 
orthodox  ov  you  to  set  up  the  testi- 
mony ov  your  eyes  and  ears  agin  the 
charaether  ov  a  clergyman.  And  now, 
see  how  aisy  it  is  to  explain  all  them 
phwenomena  that  perplexed  you.  I 
ris  and  went  over  beside  the  young 
woman  because  the  skillet  was  boiling 
over,  to  help  her  to  save  the  dhrop  ov 
liquor  that  was  in  it;  and  as  for  the 
noise  j^ou  heard,  my  dear  man,  it 
was  neither  more  nor  less  nor  myself 
dhrawing  the  cork  out  ov  this  blissid 
bottle." 

"Don't  offer  to  thrape  that  upon 
me!"  says  the  Pope;  "here  's  the 
cork  in  the  bottle  still,  as  tight  as  a 
wedge. ' ' 

64 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

''I  beg  your  pardon,"  says  his  Riv'- 
renee,  ''that  's  not  the  cork  at  all," 
says  he;  ''I  dhrew  the  cork  a  good 
two  minits  ago,  and  it  's  very  purtily 
spitted  on  the  end  ov  this  blessed  cork- 
slicrew  at  this  prisint  moment;  how- 
andiver,  you  can't  see  it,  because  it  's 
only  its  real  prisince  that  's  in  it.  But, 
that  appearance  that  you  call  a  cork, ' ' 
says  he,  ''is  nothing  but  the  outward 
spacies  and  external  qualities  of  the 
cortical  nathur.  Them  's  nothing  but 
the  accidents  of  the  cork  that  you  're 
looking  at  and  handling;  but,  as  I 
tould  you  afore,  the  real  cork's  dhrew 
and  is  here  prisint  on  the  end  ov  this 
nate  little  insthrument,  and  it  was 
the  noise  I  made  in  dhrawing  it,  and 

5— Father  Tom.  65 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

nothing  else,  that  you  mistook  for  the 
sound  ov  the  pogue." 

You  know  there  was  no  eonthra- 
vening'  what  he  said;  and  the  Pope 
could  n  't  openly  deny  it.  Howandiver, 
he  thried  to  pick  a  hole  in  it  this  way. 
''Granting,"  says  he,  "that  there  is 
the  differ  you  say  betwixt  the  reality 
ov  the  cork  and  these  cortical  acci- 
dents ;  and  that  it  's  quite  possible,  as 
you  allidge,  that  the  thrue  cork  is 
really  prisint  on  the  end  ov  the  shcrew, 
while  the  accidents  keep  the  mouth  ov 
the  bottle  stopped — still, ' '  says  hQ,  "I 
can't  undherstand,  though  willing  to 
acquit  you,  how  the  dhrawing  ov  the 
real  cork,  that  's  onpalpable  and  wid- 
out  accidents,  could  produce  the  acci- 
66 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

dent  of  that  sinsible  explosion  I  heard 
jist  now." 

"All  I  can  say,"  says  his  Riv'rence, 
"is  that  it  was  a  rale  accident,  any- 

hOAV." 

' '  Ay, ' '  says  the  Pope,  ' '  the  kiss  you 
gev  Eliza,  you  mane." 

"Xo, "  says  his  Riv'rence,  "but  the 
report  I  made." 

' '  I  don 't  doubt  you, ' '  says  the  Pope. 

"No  cork  could  be  dhrew  with  less 
noise,"  says  his  Riv'rence. 

"It  would  be  hard  for  anything  to 
be  less  nor  nothino;,  barring  algebra, ' ' 
says  the  Pope. 

"I  can  prove  to  the  conthrary," 
says  his  Riv'rence.  "This  glass  ov 
whiskey  is  less  nor  that  tumbler  ov 
67 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

punch,  and  that  tumbler  ov  punch  is 
nothing  to  this  jug  ov  scaltheen." 

''Do  you  judge  by  superficial  mis- 
ure  or  by  the  liquid  contents?"  says 
the  Pope. 

"Don't  stop  me,  betwixt  my  prem- 
ises and  my  conclusion,"  says  his 
Riv'rence:  "Ergo,  this  glass  ov 
whiskey  is  less  nor  nothing;  and  for 
that  raison  I  see  no  harm  in  life  in 
adding  it  to  the  contents  ov  the  same 
jug,  just  by  way  ov  a  frost-nail." 

' '  Adding  what  's  less  nor  nothing, ' ' 
says  the  Pope,  "is  subtraction  accord- 
ing to  algebra,  so  here  goes  to  make 
the  rule  good,"  says  he,  filling  his 
tumbler  wid  the  blessed  stuff,  and  sit- 
ting down  again  at  the  table,  for  the 
68 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

anger  did  n't  stay  two  minits  on  him, 
the  good-hearted  ould  sowl. 

"Two  minuses  make  one  plus," 
says  his  Riv'rence,  as  ready  as  you 
plase,  * '  and  that  '11  account  for  the  in- 
creased daycrement  I  mane  to  take  the 
liberty  of  producing-  in  the  same  mix'd 
quantity,"  says  he,  follying  his  Holi- 
ness's  epistolical  example. 

''By  all  that  's  good,"  says  the 
Pope,  ''that  's  the  best  stuff  I  ever 
tasted;  you  call  it  a  mix'd  quantity, 
but  I  say  it  's  prime." 

"Since  it  's  ov  the  first  orclher, 
then,"  says  his  Riv'rence,  "we  '11 
have  the  less  deffeequilty  in  reducing 
it  to  a  simple  equation." 

"You  '11  have  no  fractions  at  my 
69 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

side  anyhow,"  says  the  Pope.  "Faix, 
I  'm  af eared, ' '  says  he,  "it  's  only  too 
aisy  ov  solution  our  sum  is  like  to  be. ' ' 

''Never  fear  for  that,"  says  his 
Riv'rence,  'T  've  a  good  stick  ov 
surds  here  in  the  bottle ;  for  I  tell  you 
it  will  take  us  a  long  time  to  exthract 
the  root  ov  it,  at  the  rate  we  're  going 
on." 

"What  makes  you  call  the  blessed 
quart  an  irrational  quantity?"  says 
the  Pope. 

' '  Because  it  's  too  much  for  one  and 
too  little  for  two, ' '  says  his  Riv  'rence. 

"Clear  it  ov  its  coefficient,  and 
we  '11  thry, ' '  says  the  Pope. 

' '  Hand  me  over  the  exponent  then, '  ^ 
says  his  Riv'rence. 
70 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

''What  's  that?"  says  the  Pope. 

''The  shcrew,  to  be  sure,"  says  his 
Riv'reiiee. 

"What  for?"  says  the  Pope. 

'*To  dhraw  the  cork,"  says  his 
Riv'rence. 

' '  Sure,  the  cork  's  dhrew, ' '  says  the 
Pope. 

''But  the  sperits  can't  get  out  on 
account  ov  the  accidents  that  's  stuck 
in  the  neck  ov  the  bottle,"  says  his 
Riv'rence. 

''Accident  ought  to  be  passable  to 
sperit, "  says  the  Pope,  "and  that 
makes  me  suspect  that  the  reality  ov 
the  cork  's  in  it  af ther  all. ' ' 

"That  's  a  barony-masia, "  says  his 
Riv'rence,  "and  I  'm  not  bound  to 
71 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

answer  it.  But  the  fact  is,  that  it  's 
the  accidents  ov  the  sperits  too  that  's 
in  it,  and  the  reality  's  passed  out 
through  the  cortical  spacies,  as  you 
say;  for,  you  may  have  observed, 
we  've  both  been  in  real  good  sperits 
ever  since  the  cork  was  dhrawn,  and 
where  else  would  the  real  sperits  come 
from  if  they  would  n't  come  out  ov 
the  bottle?" 

"Well,  then,"  says  the  Pope,  ''since 
we  've  got  the  reality,  there  's  no  use 
throubling  ourselves  wid  the  acci- 
dents." 

"Oh,   begad,"  says   his   Riv'rence, 

"the  accidents  is  very  essential  too; 

for  a  man  may  be  in  the  best  ov  good 

sperits,  as  far  as  his  immaterial  part 

72 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

goes,  and  yet  need  the  accidental 
quahties  ov  good  Hquor  to  hunt  the 
sinsible  thirst  out  ov  him."  So  he 
dhraws  the  cork  in  earnest,  and  sets 
about  brewing  the  other  skillet  ov 
scaltheen;  but,  faix,  he  had  to  get  up 
the  ingradients  this  time  by  tbe  hands 
ov  ould  Moley;  though  devil  a  taste 
ov  her  little  finger  he  'd  let  widin  a 
yard  ov  the  same  eoction. 

But,  my  dear,  here  's  the  Freeman's 
Journal,  and  we  '11  see  what  's  the 
news  afore  we  finish  the  residuary 
proceedings  of  their  two  Holinesses. 


73 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 


THE    REASON    WHY    FATHER    TOM    WAS 
NOT  MADE  A  CARDINAL 

TTURROO,  my  darlings !— did  n't  I 

tell  you  it  'ud  never  do  ?  Suc- 
cess to  bould  John  Tuam  and  the  ould 
siminary  ov  Firdramore !  Oh,  more 
power  to  your  Grace  every  day  you 
rise,  't  is  you  that  has  broken  their 
Boorcl  into  shivers  undher  your  feet ! 
Sure,  and  is  n  't  it  a  proud  day  for  Ire- 
land, this  blessed  feast  ov  the  chair  ov 
Saint  Pether?  Is  n't  Carlisle  and 
Whately  smashed  to  pieces,  and  their 
whole  college  of  swaddling  teachers 
knocked  into  smidhereens?  John 
74 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

Tuam,  your  sowl,  has  tuck  his  pas- 
thoral  staff  in  his  hand  and  heathen 
them  out  o'  Connaught  as  fast  as  ever 
Pathric  druve  the  sarpints  into  Clew 
Bay. 

Poor  ould  Mat  Kavanagh,  if  he  was 
alive  this  day,  't  is  he  would  be  the 
happy  man.  ''My  curse  upon  their 
geographies  and  Bibles,"  he  used  to 
say;  '' where  's  the  use  ov  perplexing 
the  poor  childhre  wid  what  we  don't 
undherstand  ourselves?"  No  use  at 
all,  in  troth,  and  so  I  said  from  the 
first  myself.  "Well,  thank  God  and 
his  Grace,  we  '11  have  no  more  thrigo- 
nomethry  nor  scripther  in  Connaught. 
We  '11  hould  our  lodges  every  Satur- 
day night,  as  we  used  to  do,  wid  our 
75 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

chairman  behind  the  masther's  desk, 
and  we  '11  hear  our  mass  every  Sun- 
day morning  wid  the  blessed  priest 
standing  afore  the  same. 

I  wisht  to  goodness  I  had  n  't  parted 
wid  my  Seven  Champions  ov  Christen- 
dom and  Freney  the  Rohher:  they  're 
books  that  '11  be  in  great  requist  in 
Leithrim  as  soon  as  the  pasthoral  gets 
wind.  Glory  be  to  God!  I  've  done 
wid  their  lecthirs, — they  may  all  go 
and  be  d — d  wid  their  consumption 
and  production. 

I  'm  off  to  Tallymactaggart  before 
daylight  in  the  morning,  where  I  '11 
thry  whether  a  sod  or  two  o '  turf 
can't  consume  a  cart-load  ov  heresy, 
and  whether  a  Aveekly  meeting  ov  the 
76 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

lodge  can't  produce  a  new  thayory  ov 
rints. 

But  afore  I  take  my  lave  ov  you,  1 
may  as  well  finish  my  story  about 
poor  Father  Tom  that  I  hear  is  coming 
up  to  slate  the  heretics  in  Adam  and 
Eve  during  the  Lint. 

The  Pope — and  indeed  it  ill  became 
a  good  Catholic  to  say  anything  agin 
him — no  more  would  I,  only  that  his 
Riv'rence  was  in  it — but  you  see  the 
fact  ov  it  is,  that  the  Pope  was  as  en- 
vious as  ever  he  could  be,  at  seeing 
himself  sacked  right  and  left  by 
Father  Tom ;  and  bate  out  o '  the  face, 
the  way  he  was,  on  every  science  and 
subjec'  that  was  started.  So,  not  to 
be  outdone  altogether,  he  says  to  his 
77 


Father  Tom   arid  the   Pope 

Riv'rence,  "You're  a  man  that  's  fond 
of  the  brute  crayation,  I  hear,  Mis- 
ther  Maguire?" 

>  ''I  don't  deny  it,"  says  his  Riv'- 
rence. "I  've  dogs  that  I  'm  willing 
to  run  agin  any  man's,  ay,  or  to 
match  them  agin  any  other  dogs  in 
the  world  for  genteel  edication  and 
polite  manners, ' '  says  he. 

"  I  '11  hould  you  a  pound, ' '  says  the 
Pope,  ' '  that  I  've  a  quadhruped  in  my 
possession  that  's  a  w^ser  baste  nor 
any  dog  in  your  kennel. ' ' 

''Done,"  says  his  Riv'rence,  and 
they  staked  the  money. 

' '  What  can  this  larned  quadhruped 
o'  yours  do?"  says  his  Riv'rence. 

''It   's  my  mule,"  says  the  Pope, 
78 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

*'and,  if  yon  were  to  offer  her  gooldeu 
oats  and  clover  off  the  meadows  o* 
Paradise,  sorra  taste  ov  aither  she  'd 
let  pass  her  teeth  till  the  first  mass  is 
over  every  Sunday  or  holiday  in  the 
year. ' ' 

''Well,  and  what  'ud  you  say  if  I 
showed  you  a  baste  ov  mine,"  says 
his  Riv'rence,  ''that,  instead  of 
fasting  till  first  mass  is  over  only, 
fasts  out  the  whole  four-and-twenty 
hours  ov  every  Wednesday  and 
Friday  in  the  week  as  reg'lar  as  a 
Christian?" 

"Oh,  be  asy,  Masther  Maguire," 
says  the  Pope. 

"You  don't  b'lieve  me,  do  you?" 
says  his  Riv'rence;  "very  well,  I  '11 
79 


Father  Tom   and   the   Pope 

soon  show  you  whether  or  no."  And 
he  put  his  knuckles  in  his  mouth, 
and  gev  a  whistle  that  made  the 
Pope  stop  his  fingers  in  his  ears. 
The  aycho,  my  dear,  was  hardly  done 
playing  wid  the  cobwebs  in  the  cor- 
nish,  when  the  door  flies  open,  and  in 
jumps  Spring.  The  Pope  happened 
to  be  sitting  next  the  door,  betuxt  him 
and  his  Riv'rence,  and  may  I  never 
die,  if  he  did  n't  clear  him,  thriple 
crown  and  all,  at  one  spring.  ' '  God 's 
presence  be  about  us ! "  says  the  Pope, 
thinking  it  was  an  evil  spirit  come  to 
fly  away  wid  him  for  the  lie  that  he 
had  told  in  regard  ov  his  mule  ( for  it 
was  nothing  more  nor  a  thrick  that 
consisted  in  grazing  the  brute's  teeth)  : 
80 


Father  Tom   and   the    Pope 

but,  seeing  it  was  only  one  ov  the 
greatest  beauties  ov  a  greyhound  that 
he  'd  ever  laid  his  epistolical  eyes  on, 
he  soon  recovered  ov  his  fright,  and 
began  to  pat  him,  Avhile  Father  Tom 
ris  and  went  to  the  sideboord,  where 
he  cut  a  slice  ov  pork,  a  slice  ov  beef, 
a  slice  ov  mutton,  and  a  slice  ov  sal- 
mon, and  put  them  all  on  a  plate  the- 
gither.  ''Here,  Spring,  my  man,'' 
says  he,  setting  the  plate  down  afore 
him  on  the  hearthstone,  "here  's  your 
supper  for  you  this  blessed  Friday 
night. "  Not  a  word  more  he  said  nor 
what  I  tell  you ;  and,  you  may  believe 
it  or  not,  but  it  's  the  blessed  truth 
that  the  dog,  afther  jist  tasting  the 
salmon,    and    spitting    it    out    again, 

f.~Father  Tom.  81 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

lifted  his  nose  out  o'  the  plate, 
find  stood  wid  his  jaws  wathering, 
and  his  tail  wagging,  looking  up  in 
his  Riv'rence's  face,  as  much  as  to 
say,  ''Give  me  your  absolution,  till 
I  hide  them  temptations  out  o'  my 
sight." 

''There  's  a  dog  that  knows  his 
duty,"  says  his  Riv'rence;  "there  's 
a  baste  that  knows  how  to  conduct 
himself  aither  in  the  parlor  or  the 
field.  You  think  him  a  good  dog, 
looking  at  him  here :  but  I  wisht  you 
seen  him  on  the  side  ov  Sleeve-an- 
Eirin!  Be  my  soul,  you  'd  say  the 
hill  was  running  away  from  undher 
him.  Oh,  I  wisht  you  had  been  wid 
me,"  says  he,  never  letting  on  to  see 
82 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

the  dog  stale,  ''one  day,  last  Lint, 
that  I  Avas  coming  from  mass.  Spring 
was  near  a  quarther  ov  a  mile  behind 
me,  for  the  childher  was  delaying  him 
wid  bread  and  bntther  at  the  chapel 
door;  when  a  lump  of  a  hare  jumped 
out  ov  the  plantations  ov  Grouse 
Lodge  and  ran  acrass  the  road;  so  I 
gev  the  whilloo,  and  knowing  that 
she  'd  take  the  rise  of  the  hill,  I 
made  over  the  ditch,  and  up  through 
Mullaghcashel  as  hard  as  I  could  pelt, 
still  keeping  her  in  view,  but  afore  I 
had  gone  a  perch.  Spring  seen  her, 
and  away  the  two  went  like  the  wind, 
up  Drumrewy,  and  down  Clooneen, 
and  over  the  river,  widout  his  being 
able  onc't  to  turn  her.  Well,  I  run 
83 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

on  till  I  come  to  the  Diffagher,  and 
through  it  I  went,  for  the  wather  was 
low  and  I  did  n't  mind  being  wet- 
shod,  and  out  on  the  other  side,  where 
I  got  up  on  a  ditch,  and  seen  sich  a 
coorse  as  I  '11  be  bound  to  say  was 
never  seen  afore  or  since.  If  Spring 
turned  that  hare  onc't  that  day,  he 
turned  her  fifty  times,  up  and  down, 
back  and  for'ard,  throughout  and 
about.  At  last  he  run  her  right  into 
the  big  quarry  hole  in  Mullaghbawn, 
and  when  I  went  up  to  look  for  her 
fud,  there  I  found  him  sthretched  on 
liis  side,  not  able  to  stir  a  foot,  and 
the  hare  lying  about  an  inch  afore  his 
nose  as  dead  as  a  door-nail,  and  divil 
a  mark  of  a  tooth  upon  her.  Eh, 
84 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

Sprino-^  is  n't  that  thrue?"  says 
he.  Jist  at  that  minit  the  clock 
struck  twelve,  and,  before  you  could 
say  thrap-sticks.  Spring  had  the 
plateful  of  mate  consaled.  ''Now," 
says  his  Riv'rence,  ''hand  me  over 
my  pound,  for  I've  won  my  bate 
fairly." 

' '  You  '11  excuse  me, ' '  says  the  Pope, 
pocketing  his  money,  ' '  for  we  put  the 
clock  half  an  hour  back,  out  ov  com- 
pliment to  3^our  Riv'rence, "  says  he, 
"and  it  was  Saturday  morning  afore 
he  came  up  at  all. ' ' 

"Well,  it  's  no  matther,"  says  his 
Riv'rence,    putting   back   his   pound- 
note  in  his  pocketbook.    ' '  Only, ' '  says 
he,  "it  's  hardly  fair  to  expect  a  brute 
85 


Father  Tom   and  the   Pope 

baste    to    be    so    well    skilled    in   the 
science  ov  chronology." 

In  troth  his  Riv'rence  was  badly 
used  in  the  same  bet,  for  he  won  it 
clever;  and,  indeed,  I  'm  afeard  the 
shabby  way  he  was  thrated  had  some 
effect  in  putting  it  into  his  mind  to 
do  what  he  did.  ' '  AVill  your  Holiness 
take  a  blast  ov  the  pipe^'  says  he, 
dhrawing  out  his  dhudeen. 

^T  never  smoke,"  says  the  Pope, 
^'but  I  have  n't  the  least  objection  to 
the  smell  of  the  tobaccay. " 

"Oh,  you  had  betther  take  a 
dhraw,"  says  his  Riv'rence,  "it  '11 
relish  the  dhrink,  that  'ud  be  too 
luscious  entirely,  widout  something  to 
flavor  it." 

86 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

"I  had  thoughts,"  said  the  Pope, 
wid  the  laste  sign  ov  a  hiccup  on  him, 
*'ov  getting  up  a  broiled  bone  for  the 
same  purpose." 

''Well,"  says  his  Riv'rence,  ''a 
broiled  bone  'ud  do  no  manner  ov 
harm  at  this  present  time;  but  a 
smoke, ' '  says  he,  ' '  'ud  flavor  both  the 
devil  and  the  dhrink. " 

' '  What  sort  o '  tobaccay  is  it  that  's 
in  it?"  says  the  Pope. 

''Raal  nagur-head,"  says  his  Eiv'- 
rence,  "a  very  mild  and  salubrious 
spacies  ov  the  philosophic  weed." 

"Then,  I  don't  care  if  I  do  take  a 

dhraw, ' '  says  the  Pope.    Then  Father 

Tom     held     the     coal     himself     till 

his  Holiness  had  the  pipe  lit;    and 

87 


Father  Tom  and  the   Pope 

they  sat  widout  saying  anything 
worth  mentioning  for  about  five 
minutes. 

At  last  the  Pope  says  to  his  Riv'- 
rence,  ''I  dunna  what  gev  me  this 
plaguy  hiccup,"  says  he.  "Dhrink 
about, ' '  says  he — ' '  Begorra, ' '  he  says, 
"I  think  I  'm  getting  merrier  'an  's 
good  for  me.  Sing  us  a  song,  your 
Riv'rence,"  says  he. 

Father  Tom  then  sung  him  Monata- 
grenage  and  the  Bunch  o '  Rushes,  and 
he  was  mighty  well  pleased  wid  both, 
keeping  time  wid  his  hands,  and  join- 
ing in  the  choruses,  when  his  hiccup 
'ud  let  him.  At  last,  my  dear,  he 
opens  the  lower  button  ov  his  waist- 
coat, and  the  top  one  of  his  waist- 
88 


1 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

band,  and  calls  to  ]\Iasther  Anthony 
to  lift  np  one  ov  the  windys.  ''I 
dunna  what  's  wrong"  Avid  me,  at 
all  at  all,"  says  lie;  ''I  'm  mortal 
sick." 

"I  thrust,"  says  his  Riv'rence, 
"the  pasthry  that  you  ate  at  dinner 
has  n  't  disagreed  wid  your  Holiness 's 
stomach. ' ' 

"Oh,  my!  oh!"  says  the  Pope, 
"what  's  this  at  allT'  gasping  for 
breath,  and  as  pale  as  a  sheet,  wid  a 
could  swate  bursting  out  over  his  fore- 
head, and  the  palms  ov  his  hands 
spread  out  to  cotch  the  air.  ' '  Oh,  my ! 
Oh,  my ! ' '  says  he,  ' '  fetch  me  a  basin ! 
— Don 't  spake  to  me.  Oh ! — oh  ! — • 
blood  alive ! — Oh,  my  head,  my  head, 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

hould  my  head! — oh! — ubh! — I  'm 
poisoned ! — ach ! ' ' 

''It  was  them  plaguy  pasthries," 
says  his  Riv'renee.  "Hould  his  head 
hard, ' '  says  he,  ' '  and  clap  a  wet  cloth 
over  his  timples.  If  you  could  only 
thry  another  dhraw  o'  the  pipe,  your 
Holiness,  it  'ud  set  you  to  rights  in  no 
time." 

' '  Carry  me  to  bed, ' '  says  the  Pope, 
*'and  never  let  me  see  that  wild  Irish 
priest  again.  I  'm  poisoned  by  his 
manes — ubplsch ! — ach ! — ach  I  —  He 
dined  wid  Cardinal  Wayld  yesther- 
day,"  says  he,  "and  he's  bribed  him 
to  take  me  olT.  Send  for  a  confessor, ' ' 
says  he,  "for  my  latther  end  's  ap- 
proaching. My  head  's  like  to  split 
90 


Father  Tom  and   the   Pope 

— so  it  is ! — Oh,  my  I  Oh,  my ! — 
ubplseh ! — ach ! ' ' 

Well,  his  Riv'rence  never  thought 
it  worth  his  while  to  make  him  an  an- 
swer ;  but  when  he  seen  how  ungrate- 
fully he  was  used,  afther  all  his 
throuble  in  making  the  evening  agree- 
able to  the  ould  man,  he  called  Spring, 
and  put  the  but-end  ov  the  second 
bottle  into  his  pocket,  and  left  the 
house  widout  once  wishing  "Good- 
night, an'  plaisant  dhrames  to  you"; 
and,  in  troth,  not  one  ov  them 
axed  him  to  lave  them  a  lock  ov  his 
hair. 

That  's  the  story  as  I  heard  it 
tould:  but  myself  does  n't  b'lieve 
over   one    half   of   it.      Howandiver, 

91 


Father  Tom  and  the  Pope 

when  all  's  done,  it  's  a  shame,  so  it 
is,  that  he  's  not  a  bishop  this  blessed 
day  and  hour :  for,  next  to  the  goiant 
ov  Saint  Garlath's,  he  's  out  and  out 
the  cleverest  fellow  ov  the  whole  jing- 
bang. 


92 


B     000  009  695     8 


